@seamussaid

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

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@pakalupapito

roses r red

violets r blue

sunflowers r yellow

i bet u were expecting someting romantic but no this is just gardening facts

@TheFraudMallu

My grandmother reads obituary column in the newspaper everyday. It is pretty much like searching for your childhood friends on Facebook.

@bridger_w

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

@tweetsbyrocket

teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up

me: happy

teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations

@slaughthie

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

@ibid78

[eharmony] based on your responses, your perfect match is a trashcan..
[me] aww
[eharmony] ..full of raccoons
[me] omg I love raccoons

@ThaJawn

*puts Fitbit on Roomba

*eats crackers with no plate or napkin

@o__0Dev

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.