on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
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I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.