on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

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roses r red

violets r blue

sunflowers r yellow

i bet u were expecting someting romantic but no this is just gardening facts


My grandmother reads obituary column in the newspaper everyday. It is pretty much like searching for your childhood friends on Facebook.


“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead


teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up

me: happy

teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations


Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.


[eharmony] based on your responses, your perfect match is a trashcan..
[me] aww
[eharmony] ..full of raccoons
[me] omg I love raccoons


*puts Fitbit on Roomba

*eats crackers with no plate or napkin


Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.