@finestmarxman
@seamussaid
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
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@finestmarxman
@pakalupapito
roses r red
violets r blue
sunflowers r yellow
i bet u were expecting someting romantic but no this is just gardening facts
@TheFraudMallu
My grandmother reads obituary column in the newspaper everyday. It is pretty much like searching for your childhood friends on Facebook.
@bridger_w
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
@tweetsbyrocket
teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up
me: happy
teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations
@slaughthie
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
@JustCallMeFrank
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
@ibid78
[eharmony] based on your responses, your perfect match is a trashcan..
[me] aww
[eharmony] ..full of raccoons
[me] omg I love raccoons
@ThaJawn
*puts Fitbit on Roomba
*eats crackers with no plate or napkin
@o__0Dev
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.