“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
You Might Also Like
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.