@Elizasoul80

“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

You Might Also Like

@FeralCrone

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

@dumbbeezie

How to handle a one night stand the next morning

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

@kelkulus

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

@Book_Krazy

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

@SonofConway

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

@jackiembouvier

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.

@SardonicTart

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

@Wine_Honey1

Pro tip: If you smear your lipstick all over your face like the Joker, people won’t talk to you.