*hears noise downstairs
*wakes up husband so he can go get murdered first
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
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WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there was a grim recognition of the fundamental uselessness of man’s endeavors.