“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
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He’d probably stop sending me “good morning, beautiful” texts if he saw how many chins pop out when I look down to read it.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
dave: dave’s coming over
dave: dave from work or dave who talks to himself
dave: no one’s coming over dave
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I basically have three hairstyles.
Don’t tell me I don’t know the difference between right & wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
My 3 yr old puts himself in timeout whenever he doesn’t want to do something we ask him to. Pretty sure he just beat the system.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you