“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

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“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”


He’d probably stop sending me “good morning, beautiful” texts if he saw how many chins pop out when I look down to read it.


Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.


*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.


dave: dave’s coming over
dave: dave from work or dave who talks to himself
dave: no one’s coming over dave


Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.


Don’t tell me I don’t know the difference between right & wrong. Wrong is the fun one.


My 3 yr old puts himself in timeout whenever he doesn’t want to do something we ask him to. Pretty sure he just beat the system.


If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you