On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
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“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
who will stop them
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.