Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
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“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
cause of death:
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
You, watching the (…) in the text field for ten straight minutes: he must be coming up with something deep and meaningful
Me: Ham sanitizer
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans