@TheTweetOfGod

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

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@DanMentos

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

@HeyoShellz

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

@squirrel74wkgn

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

@BDGarp

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

@alexlumaga

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

@SortaBad

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

@Amusitr0n

You, watching the (…) in the text field for ten straight minutes: he must be coming up with something deep and meaningful

Me: Ham sanitizer

@Jake_Vig

“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans