On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
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SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
The asteroid..
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS