On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
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Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.