On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
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Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
they finally got him. they got macavity
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.