[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
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Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Cndnsd Mlk
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”