(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
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My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.