[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.