[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

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Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up


My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.


MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!


There’s a woman here who, by the amount of makeup on her face, fought with a rainbow – and lost.


Life Lessons From Cats:

• take more naps

• rules were meant to be broken

• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared

• always demand respect

• if you have an itch, scratch it

• find joy in the simple things

• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it


My son just sat me down to gently explain how I haven’t made his summer “fun enough” yet so now he’s folding laundry. In a totally fun way.


I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.


My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.


Oh look! A guy with “Stand-Up Comic” in his bio unfollowed me two seconds after I followed back.

That’s never happened before.