@KeetPotato

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

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@BunAndLeggings

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up

@CheeseDaydreams

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

@jwoodham

MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!

@The_JRM

There’s a woman here who, by the amount of makeup on her face, fought with a rainbow – and lost.

@CatsVsHumanity

Life Lessons From Cats:

• take more naps

• rules were meant to be broken

• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared

• always demand respect

• if you have an itch, scratch it

• find joy in the simple things

• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it

@ValeeGrrl

My son just sat me down to gently explain how I haven’t made his summer “fun enough” yet so now he’s folding laundry. In a totally fun way.

@girl_a_whirl

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

@TheBoydP

My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Oh look! A guy with “Stand-Up Comic” in his bio unfollowed me two seconds after I followed back.

That’s never happened before.