@KeetPotato

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

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@meganamram

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

@Social_Mime

Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.

@mattgallo123

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

@jsteele3966

People who wait 3 hours to respond to a text “LOL” should be punched in the neck.

Your not fooling anybody. You weren’t LOLing that long.

@WheelTod

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

@david8hughes

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the club]

Her: C’mon, lets dance!

Me: Ugh, ok…one second *zips off cargo pants into shorts*

@foxxy311

Ladies, don’t waste your time picking up guys at Chuck E Cheese.

Apparently they have a “family” & a “wife” & I’m “ruining their dinner.”

@crunchenhancer

When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.

If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!

@ilovepie84

No Cheryl, your baby is not 72 months old. Your child is 6 years old.