[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
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I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
This took me a second..
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?