@chewlongkok_

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

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@EdnaSugar

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

@ArfMeasures

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

@Dawn_M_

Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.

@SoulYodeler

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

@alexlumaga

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

@TheHyyyype

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

@Tmoney68

If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.

@trickaduu

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

@FlorkOfCows

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

@Australianimal

Taken 4: Liam Neeson’s daughter is kidnapped again. He calls up kidnappers and says “just keep her. She’s annoying and I’m tired of this”