Day 1: I have bought many groceries. I am prepared for months of isolation
Day 2: I have eaten all groceries and will need to return to the store
Day 3: I have eaten all groceries and will need to return to the store
Day 4: I have eaten all groceries and will nee
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
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Luckily, children are much easier to keep alive than house plants.
[Day 1 Of Lockdown]
Wife: *sitting down to dinner* What’s this?
Me: A delicious plate of Cheeto’s
Me: I ate everything else already
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.