[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
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It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*