@jergarl

[on phone with debit fraud]

Bank guy: Sir do you shop on line at all

Me: DUDE IT’S 2017 WE BUY TOILET PAPER ONLINE

BG:

M: Sometimes. Yes

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@Kendragarden

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

@bornmiserable

I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.

@markydoodoo

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

@TweetPotato314

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

@TurboJellyBean

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

@NourHadidi

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

@QwertyJones3

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

@nayele18maybe

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.