Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
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Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.