If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
[on phone with debit fraud]
Bank guy: Sir do you shop on line at all
Me: DUDE IT’S 2017 WE BUY TOILET PAPER ONLINE
M: Sometimes. Yes
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I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
I do have a swimmers body, he’s been in my trunk for days
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.