[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
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My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on