[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
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7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!