[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”

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Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?


I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”


Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.


CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea


8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.


“Oh you like this cake? (*Tosses cake out the window*) Oops.” – Game of Thrones


[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best


ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all