[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
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Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary