@FrogAvalanche

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

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@autocorrects

Do I turn left when nothing is right? Or do I turn right when there’s nothing left?

@elliemce

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs

@AnthonyM334

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

@Smooheed

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

@Birdhumms

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

@dumbbeezie

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

@amazymay72x

13yo: Mom, I need 3 current issues happening in the neighborhood.

Me: How abo-

11yo: WEAK WIFI, BUFFERING, BAD DATA PLAN!

..shoot me now.

@mstern68

[after first date]

Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again

Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people

@Thrill_Tweeter

Twitter – to help future generations discover if there’s ever been any mental illness in the family.