@PortRooster

On phone:

GF: We’re breaking up…
Me: I can hear you fine!
GF: It’s not you, it’s me…
Me: Did you get a new provider?
GF: Kinda… Bye!

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@Derekexplosm

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

@AmandasNotFunny

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

@CorkyKneivel

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

@w00f_w00f

Couldn’t remember the girl’s name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.

@TheCatWhisprer

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

@kelkulus

Rather than buy a gun, I’ve been studying “Home Alone” and now defend my home with marbles and old gangster movies.

@notshivi

Everyone prepare yourself for National “How is it May already?” Day coming up tomorrow where people who don’t know how calendars work tweet.

@Staaltje68

I’m 50 but feel like 30. Until I hang out with 30 year olds.
Then I am like, nope nevermind, I’m 50.

@blade_funner

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.