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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
So glad we cleared that up
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Me trying to walk in a dream
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers