Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
GF: We’re breaking up…
Me: I can hear you fine!
GF: It’s not you, it’s me…
Me: Did you get a new provider?
GF: Kinda… Bye!
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I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Couldn’t remember the girl’s name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Rather than buy a gun, I’ve been studying “Home Alone” and now defend my home with marbles and old gangster movies.
Everyone prepare yourself for National “How is it May already?” Day coming up tomorrow where people who don’t know how calendars work tweet.
I’m 50 but feel like 30. Until I hang out with 30 year olds.
Then I am like, nope nevermind, I’m 50.
The Proclaimers walked 500 miles without a Fitbit?
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.