@PortRooster

On phone:

GF: We’re breaking up…
Me: I can hear you fine!
GF: It’s not you, it’s me…
Me: Did you get a new provider?
GF: Kinda… Bye!

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@Whitnuts

CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT

@shopkins776

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

@EndhooS

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

@SamanthaRae49

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

@Fried_Tweeter

Whoever named a pack of Hyenas a Cackle should name more groups of animals.

@solsayswhaaa

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

@bornmiserable

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?