This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
You Might Also Like
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me