*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
You Might Also Like
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
[eulogy]
line?