[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
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Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉