A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
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Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Seductively sings in Klingon.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?