[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
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Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
(Gaming support cat.)
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder