@RealCarrotFacts

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

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@thatdutchperson

They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.

@abrosenthal

Ugh Starbucks spelled my name right again and now I have nothing to Instagram.

@notviking

date: i’m looking for a guy who doesn’t just want me for my body

me: [trying to impress her] well i think your body sucks

@MooseAllain

Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.

@MrEd_EVH

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

@davidkenny100

I grew up just a stone’s throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries

@FunnyMojoJojo

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…

@ericsshadow

“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.