On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

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They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.


Ugh Starbucks spelled my name right again and now I have nothing to Instagram.


date: i’m looking for a guy who doesn’t just want me for my body

me: [trying to impress her] well i think your body sucks


Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.


Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood


I grew up just a stone’s throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries


Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…


“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.