On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
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Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring