Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
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Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
The difference between kids waking you up and an alarm clock, is that you can throw the alarm across the room
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
British police don’t carry guns. So what exactly do they do then?
Yell “STOP… OR I’LL SAY STOP AGAIN!”