@bwfrance

On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”

You Might Also Like

@NicCageMatch

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

@fuzzlime

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

@NYC_Blonde

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

@zakagan

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

@_ElvishPresley_

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

@poizngrl

The difference between kids waking you up and an alarm clock, is that you can throw the alarm across the room

@WheelTod

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

@PhriendlyCody

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

@shwebby2

British police don’t carry guns. So what exactly do they do then?

Yell “STOP… OR I’LL SAY STOP AGAIN!”