On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
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Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.