“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
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Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Get in loser we’re going crying
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.