[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
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My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Speak now or ever hold your peace
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?