@MavenofHonor

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

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@50FirstTates

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

@Social_Mime

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.

@CyborgHanky

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

@Marlebean

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

@Lisaley

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

@MrRamBillings

One time I was so high, my flatscreen fell off the wall and I thought it was just part of the movie.

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

@withanewname

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

@d2BMcG

I went to an AA meeting

I met a lot of batteries