On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
You Might Also Like
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.