Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
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I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
*puts arm around you*
You’ve been burned before but, you’re safe with me. Let your gaurd down, girl.
*steals your pizza*
Asked my son what he wanted for dinner. He said cheese. A good mom doesn’t let her kid eat cheese for dinner.
This cheese is delicious.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.