@krisv_723

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

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@Reverend_Scott

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

@robfee

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

@iRowlf

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

@ArfMeasures

DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William

@kcmoore51

*puts arm around you*

You’ve been burned before but, you’re safe with me. Let your gaurd down, girl.

*steals your pizza*

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Asked my son what he wanted for dinner. He said cheese. A good mom doesn’t let her kid eat cheese for dinner.

This cheese is delicious.

@effinghandbook

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

@Marcmywords2

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.