Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
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Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
“what’s it like having a sister?”
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish