@david8hughes

On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.

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@VeryLonelyLuke

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

@SortaBad

Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”

@yab_kat

[gets pulled over]
Officer: *through window* Do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: *punches steering wheel* answer the man you criminal car

@hermanntrude

Me: *holding a frying pan*

Brain: hit someone with it

Me:

Brain: DO IT! It’ll go BONG!

@DrakeGatsby

[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

@WritePlay

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

@frankzulla

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

@PLATINUM2000

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

@TheBabylonBee

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts