I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
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Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
[gets pulled over]
Officer: *through window* Do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: *punches steering wheel* answer the man you criminal car
The news is so predictable nowadays
Me: *holding a frying pan*
Brain: hit someone with it
Brain: DO IT! It’ll go BONG!
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts