@TweetsByKaylee

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

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@elle91

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

@envydatropic

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

@audipenny

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

@_lizharvey

I LOVE THE IDEA OF BOWSER LOVINGLY FOLDING A FLYING RACCOON SUIT AND PUTTING IT IN A TREASURE CHEST FOR ME TO FIND IN HIS DUNGEON.

@BringDaNoyz

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

@Death_Buddy

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

@GrillinChillin9

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

@seamussaid

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

@DemonsDreaming

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.

@SamuelHLowe

– 911, what’s your emergency?
– My nephew just swallowed a lighter!
– What’s your address?
– Never mind, I found some matches.