[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

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*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song


My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.


My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.


Autocorrect changed impervious to I’m perviest and now I’m blocked.


“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.


You have to admire husband’s focus as he plays on his iPad while I furiously chop carrots tapping out “I hate you” in morse code w my knife.


what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*