@TweetsByKaylee

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

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@Kica333

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

@Thedudish

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

@LeiaMarieG

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

@tsm560

Autocorrect changed impervious to I’m perviest and now I’m blocked.

@DraggingFeeties

“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.

@ValeeGrrl

You have to admire husband’s focus as he plays on his iPad while I furiously chop carrots tapping out “I hate you” in morse code w my knife.

@murrman5

what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*