If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
You Might Also Like
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to