On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
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Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Just got to our Airbnb!
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”