On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

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I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.


When a guy wearing shorts and sandals to a bar is picking out songs on the jukebox, it’s going to end badly for everyone.


No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.


I learned mathematical fractions from a drug dealer. He said if I don’t pay $4,000 in 7 days, I’ll lose 3 fingers.


When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard


(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*


ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.


[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please


At some point, male “pick-up artists” are just going to start chasing women around like Benny Hill.