On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
You Might Also Like
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
what
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Breaking news:
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.