On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.

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job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them


Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.


I love my Alexa, but I need someone that’s really going to tell it to me straight, maybe like a Renee “hey boo, this fool calling again with some lame shit but you haven’t been laid in a month so you can’t be picky”…


[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*


If you’re doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government’s been hiding.


DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course


I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.


If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense


*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”