On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
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Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard