On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
You Might Also Like
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
My beach vacation Google searches
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Me driving through Toronto