@thatdutchperson

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

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@PhilJamesson

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

@TheTalkingPipe

The “I got your nose” game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she’ll call security.

@CM2BTTHD

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

@scott_towel

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

@UnFitz

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

@Fred_Delicious

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

@Snarfernini

Me: Let’s have a fight with that guy you like

Brain: That’s not a good idea, he might actually like y…

Me: GOOD IDEA! WE ATTACK AT DAWN!

@butterwolf

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.