Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
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[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
black phone good
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?