@thatdutchperson

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

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@samthe8th

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

@Kyle_Lippert

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

@TheToddWilliams

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

@OfficeofSteve

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

@A_Bit_Too_Rude

*tweets about new invisibility cloak invention*

*forgets where he left it*

@georgehawleyUA

I was annoyed that a book I needed was checked out from the library, and had been for a long time. I finally got fed up and bought a copy online. Organizing my office a bit this morning I realized that I was the one who checked it out from the library.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[walking out of restaurant]

DATE: let’s do this again

ME: thank god I’m starving

@Scorpio1080

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

@Sickayduh

[recording studio]
Producer: Um what’re you guys doing?
Singer: Ending the song
Producer: You don’t have to fade out. We’ll do that in here.