When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
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Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
*tweets about new invisibility cloak invention*
*forgets where he left it*
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
I was annoyed that a book I needed was checked out from the library, and had been for a long time. I finally got fed up and bought a copy online. Organizing my office a bit this morning I realized that I was the one who checked it out from the library.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Producer: Um what’re you guys doing?
Singer: Ending the song
Producer: You don’t have to fade out. We’ll do that in here.