me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
You Might Also Like
The “I got your nose” game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she’ll call security.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Me: Let’s have a fight with that guy you like
Brain: That’s not a good idea, he might actually like y…
Me: GOOD IDEA! WE ATTACK AT DAWN!
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.