[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
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[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets