On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
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Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I have a black belt in leather
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function