On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

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Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave


I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what


I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.



Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.


God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks


I accidentally flushed a public toilet with my hand instead of my foot. I may be dying now.


*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.