@themorris23

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

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@aka_fatman

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

@c12h22o11balls

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

@drinksmcgee

I’ve decided that I’m just going to sit in my boxers and eat cereal all day.

In unrelated news, my coworkers are all staring at me.

@_ElvishPresley_

[riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five

@007Pepe_Rex

A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink

#FFFC

@Moi_RaRa

Ok don’t judge me, but sometimes I wonder what color does a smurf turn into if I choke it.

@BigJDubz

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

@sonictyrant

me: i’d like another bag of those goth grapes please

store clerk: *sighs* again sir they’re called olives