Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
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Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I’ve decided that I’m just going to sit in my boxers and eat cereal all day.
In unrelated news, my coworkers are all staring at me.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
Ok don’t judge me, but sometimes I wonder what color does a smurf turn into if I choke it.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
me: i’d like another bag of those goth grapes please
store clerk: *sighs* again sir they’re called olives
All of your holes are looking great