On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
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In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Mornin
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.