On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

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I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it’s hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.



(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)


Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.


Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.


Maybe if I do the opposite and let my kids eat off the floor, more food would end up on the table.


“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”


Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.


The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now


I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.


If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.


Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!