I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it’s hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
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“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Maybe if I do the opposite and let my kids eat off the floor, more food would end up on the table.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!