On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.

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I don’t know why people say bedtime for kids is hard. All I have to do is make sure the room’s exactly 71.3 degrees, give 3 hugs, 1.5 kisses, read 11 bedtime stories, come up with a Broadway musical on the spot, tuck them in, & leave for 5 minutes before bringing them to my bed.


Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”


My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.


I’ll give you 10 seconds to take back what you said about my wind chimes.


Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”


i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me


What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school


English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words