On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
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Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end