@bourgeoisalien

On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.

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@JessCarpWrites

I don’t know why people say bedtime for kids is hard. All I have to do is make sure the room’s exactly 71.3 degrees, give 3 hugs, 1.5 kisses, read 11 bedtime stories, come up with a Broadway musical on the spot, tuck them in, & leave for 5 minutes before bringing them to my bed.

@kimtopher22

Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

@Jarhead44

I’ll give you 10 seconds to take back what you said about my wind chimes.

@Fyrekrakr73

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

@warmyellowlight

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

@prufrockluvsong

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

@einaregilsson

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words