On the phone to the chinese food place & my cat’s all chatty… I cover the receiver and hiss “Shhh, you want them to hear you?”

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[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing


My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.


Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.


“I’m going to the post office. I need a place stamp”

Wtf is that?

“I dunno but this envelope says I need one here”


I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.


I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive


Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.


[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”


I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.