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Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any