[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
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My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.