[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
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Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes