Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
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Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”