[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
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For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle