[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
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Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
How wrong was this guy?
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.