@NamestartswithZ
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
@SvnSxty
*on the phone*
God: I’ve read it
God: Yes, SEVERAL hard reboots
God: A meteor
God: No warranty, no
God: I tampered with Pangea
God: You think I don’t know that?
God: *pulling hair* THERE’S NO RECEIPT
*spying*
Batman: Who’s he talking to
Robin: Holy tech support Batman
You Might Also Like
@NamestartswithZ
@walks_on_legs
Hm, want to use firecrackers but not wake the neighbors. I know, I’ll light the firecrackers inside a container! Like this megaphone here!
@ImaFlyontheWall
Me: So you’re an Atheist?
Him: Yup!
Me: So what year is it?
Him: 2015
Me: based on how years are counted after a certain birth?
@SondraDeeMe
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
@calluptome
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
@mjkspeaks
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
@JimmerThatisAll
Stop me if you’ve stolen this one before.
@Amusitr0n
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
@prufrockluvsong
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
@SarahKanowski
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
