*on the phone*

God: I’ve read it

God: Yes, SEVERAL hard reboots

God: A meteor

God: No warranty, no

God: I tampered with Pangea

God: You think I don’t know that?

God: *pulling hair* THERE’S NO RECEIPT


Batman: Who’s he talking to

Robin: Holy tech support Batman

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The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.


I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.


Boy, are you 40 mg of Adderall? Because without you, I’d really lose my shit. Also boy, are you my car keys? If you were, where would you be, I’m gonna be late


*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”


All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.


Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.


Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this


E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep: *folder meows*


I deserve an Oscar for acting like I can see a baby when someone shows me an ultrasound pic


[interrogation room]

me: i’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

cop: again, the police dog is not an officer