I’ve replaced my friends insulin with heroin. This is the most expensive prank I’ve ever done but it’s ok, I’ll rob him when he’s dead.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
You Might Also Like
Me: Quit talking down to me like I don’t know shit about technology!
Me: That’s ok. Now fix the router.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
If we are in fact living in a computer simulation, I wish the 11 year old running my account would send me to the gym more often
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Satan: “I’m gonna put letters in mathematics. Lol!”
God: “I’m gonna make them all kill each other because of me.”
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.