[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
You Might Also Like
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.