[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

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I’ve replaced my friends insulin with heroin. This is the most expensive prank I’ve ever done but it’s ok, I’ll rob him when he’s dead.


Me: Quit talking down to me like I don’t know shit about technology!

12yo: Sorry…

Me: That’s ok. Now fix the router.


[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet


Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.


If we are in fact living in a computer simulation, I wish the 11 year old running my account would send me to the gym more often


all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough


Satan: “I’m gonna put letters in mathematics. Lol!”

God: “I’m gonna make them all kill each other because of me.”

Satan: “Dude…”


It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.