*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
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Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”