If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
*on the phone
Him: where are you?!
Me: I’m just waiting for the train
Him: hurry up
Me:…no problem. I’ll be waiting faster
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Just spent a nice relaxing hour on facebook, writing “you Two look fantastic!!” on all weekend selfies with three girls or more in it.
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
I always walk into Target with a pissed off look on my face. These people don’t need to know I’m here to buy waterfall scented candles.
people are like “pokemon is basically dogfighting” but tbh if a dog with ice powers fought a ghost dog I would probably peek over that fence
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE BEING TURNED INTO GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES RIGHT NOW!
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.