just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
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Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.